KissTheThunder

I met a woman two years ago that’s changed my life in every way I never knew I needed.

One thing I learned from her is something I want to share regarding what most people view as kindness, how it’s often distorted into something else, and what true kindness at its purest can be.

Before meeting her I thought I knew what kindness was. I associated it with any number of synonyms. It was something benevolent and gentle, conjuring ideas of selflessness and self sacrifice and other charitable words that seemed to all boil down into something *good*.

The truth of the matter is, I had it wrong, and I think most people do.

Do you see a common thread in the words I listed above? I did, and it began to disturb me. To speak plainly, what most people see as kindness is almost always damaging to the person who is kind. It’s associated with giving of oneself to the benefit others often to their own detriment.

I’m sure you’ve heard it before. People who self describe as being kind will always say ‘I’m too kind for my own good’ or “I’m too generous” and “I care too much”. I have been one of those people for as long as I can remember. I know several myself who make those statements often and I’m beginning to associate them as being something far darker than they seem on the surface. Those statements all choose to use positive words to describe a perceived failing, something I used to jokingly call ‘mary sue flaws’ because even if they could be described as such they still cast the person with the affliction in a seemingly positive light.

Then it occured to me recently.

People who think they're too kind for their own good are not describing being kind at all. They’re compliant, willingly giving more of themselves than is reasonable, or letting themselves be constantly used in a situation that martyrs their kindness to others’ wills.

There’s a lot of psychology behind that kind of behavior. Often it’s a trauma response, learned behavior that minimizes conflict, something I’ve seen manifested as the ‘fawn’ effect in otherwise fight or flight situations. Sometimes it isn’t born of trauma, but of a need to feel validated because, oddly, giving a lot and not being appreciated for it in turn gains a person a decent amount of attention and sympathy.

In short? These people have emotional needs that are not being fulfilled that they’re trying to supplement by unhealthy means.

If you feel this describes you at all I don’t want you to think, “oh no, that’s me, I’m a terrible person” because we develop these habits for any number of reasons that are inherently human. Humans have needs. When they’re not being filled, you find the means to fill them no matter what, and this is oftentimes one such way.

For example, maybe you have a lapse in judgement and you give too much energy to a person who wasn’t right for you in the long term. It’s easier on a person's ego to view it as “I was too kind for my own good” than it is to say, “I didn’t direct my energy and resources well with them, so I should be more careful in the future.” It shifts accountability from the person who sees themselves as kind to the person who, according to them, didn’t appreciate them enough.

Human nature in a nutshell.

When those behaviors are repeated for long cycles, the person's compliance becomes easily used by others and their unfortunately gained validation through martyring themselves becomes an ingrained response to a lot of different things.

Then what is a healthy kindness, you may ask?

Kindness is many things. For example, on the extreme end, a man dying of mortal wounds in a slow and painful way would view a bullet to the head as an act of kindness; likewise, putting down a pet with a terminal illness before true pain and quality of living suffers would be far kinder than the alternative. Both are hard choices but are, in the end, kind. It’s kind to give a meal to a homeless person. It’s kind to hold open doors for people-

-But if they walk right past you without so much as a thank you do you bitterly think to yourself that they’re being ungrateful? If you are, maybe you’re not being kind, but seeking validation in the perception of being kind.

Again, the seeking of validation is natural human need and there is no shame in that. Rather, what I am saying is that you can find validation in much healthier ways.

I think when you get down to it, kindness as a trait people possess winds up being subjective from situation to situation; but in its purest form it doesn’t have to lead to a person's life being negatively impacted like it so often does.

The woman I met taught me that being kind is not synonymous with being weak, nor are they mutually exclusive. You don’t have to lower yourself to the role of a doormat. Kindness can be beautifully fierce and full of integrity, bowing to no one, and not cowing when their efforts are unappreciated. They can be content within themselves because they know they did the right thing, even when no one is looking or there to validate their efforts.

When it’s hard to be honest about something important but you persevere, that is kindness. When you put your phone down and walk away from an upsetting conversation before you lose your cool on someone, you’re being kind. When you pick up a worm off a rainy sidewalk and put it safely in the grass you’re being kind.

An act of kindness is legitimate in and of itself, just by being done, witness or no. A person who is kind is valid just the same-

-And sometimes, standing up to people and telling them that enough is enough, is being kind as well: kind to yourself</i>.

Self kindness is something we all need to put into practice because I deeply believe that in the end, we cannot be truly kind to others if we don’t know how to be kind to ourselves.

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